By Michael Thompson, Founder of Falsely Accused Network
As I listened to James’s story on the helpline (name changed) , I noticed him struggle to find the words to describe his relationship. "I just can't seem to do anything right," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "She tracks my location, checks my phone, tells me I'm paranoid when I question anything, and somehow, it's always my fault." James's story is one I've heard countless times, yet society rarely acknowledges these experiences when the victim is male.
For the past 18 months leading the Falsely Accused Network, I've witnessed an alarming pattern of men trapped in relationships dominated by coercive control, often unable to recognise their situation for what it is: domestic abuse.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a strategic pattern of behaviour designed to exploit, control, create dependency and maintain power over a partner. It's not about physical violence - though that can be present - but rather about creating an invisible prison of fear, isolation, and compliance.
The Signs That Men Often Miss:
1. Financial Control
Your partner insists on managing all finances, limits your access to joint accounts, or demands detailed explanations for every purchase. Many men dismiss this as "being organised" or "good with money," especially if they've been socialised to believe women are better at managing household finances.
2. Digital Surveillance
Constant checking of your phone, demanding passwords, installing tracking apps "for safety," or requiring immediate responses to messages. Men often rationalise this as their partner being "concerned" or "protective."
3. Isolation Tactics
Gradual distancing from friends and family through criticism, creating conflicts, or making social situations so uncomfortable that you stop attending. Male victims frequently mistake this for "commitment to the relationship" or "prioritising home life."
4. Gaslighting
Perhaps the most insidious form of control, where your reality is constantly questioned. "You're too sensitive," "That never happened," or "You're imagining things" become common phrases. Men are particularly vulnerable to this tactic due to societal pressure to doubt their emotional experiences.
Why Men Struggle to Identify Coercive Control
The challenge for men in recognising coercive control stems from deeply ingrained societal narratives. We're conditioned to view ourselves as protectors, not victims. The very suggestion that we might be vulnerable to manipulation or control often feels like an admission of weakness.
Through my work, I've identified several barriers that prevent men from recognising their situation:
Cultural Conditioning
Society has trained men to view controlling behaviour from female partners as normal or even desirable. "Behind every successful man is a strong woman" takes on a darker meaning when that strength is actually control.
Shame and Disbelief
Many men feel profound shame when realising they're in a controlling relationship. This shame is compounded by the disbelief they often face when sharing their experiences. "You're bigger than her," or "Just man up" are common, harmful responses.
Limited Support Systems
The support infrastructure for male victims of domestic abuse is woefully inadequate. Many services are explicitly designed for women, leaving men feeling excluded and unsure where to turn.
Breaking Free
Recognising coercive control is the first step toward breaking free. If you're reading this and recognising patterns in your own relationship, know that you're not alone and it's not your fault. Your experiences are valid, regardless of your gender.
Some immediate steps you can take:
- Document everything: Keep a detailed record of incidents, including dates and contexts
- Maintain connections: Try to preserve relationships with family and friends, even if they've been strained
- Seek professional support: Look for counsellors who specifically understand male domestic abuse
- Contact specialist organisations: There are organisations (though too few) that specifically support male victims
The Role of Society
We need a fundamental shift in how we discuss domestic abuse. The conversation must evolve to acknowledge that coercive control affects men too, and that legitimate male victims aren't diminishing the experiences of female victims - they're expanding our understanding of how abuse manifests across gender lines.
Through the Falsely Accused Network, we're working to create safe spaces where men can share their experiences without judgment and find the support they desperately need. It's time to challenge the narrative that men can't be victims of coercive control.
If you recognise these patterns in your relationship, reach out. You don't have to face this alone.
---
For support and guidance, contact the Falsely Accused Network. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard.
[www.falselyaccusednetwork.co.uk or email support@falselyaccusednetwork.co.uk
]
Comments